My ex-best friend. Where r u?

SYMPATHETIC CHARACTER

I was afraid you’d hit me if I’d spoken up I was

Afraid of your physical strength I was afraid

You’d hit below the belt I was afraid of your

Sucker punch I was afraid of you reducing me

I was afraid of your alcohol breath I was afraid

Of your complete disregard for me I was afraid

Of your temper I was afraid of handles being

Flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched

Into walls I was afraid of your testosterone

I have as much rage as you have

I have as much pain as you do

I’ve lived as much hell as you have

And I’ve kept mine bubbling under for you

You were my best friend

You were my lover

You were my mentor

You were my brother

You were my partner

You were my teacher

You were my very own sympathetic character

I was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the

Calm before the storm I was afraid for my own

Bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid

Of your coercion I was afraid of your rejection

I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of

Your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences

I was afraid of your volume I was afraid of your

Manipulation I was afraid of your explosions

I have as much rage as you have

I have as much pain as you do

I’ve lived as much hell as you have

And I’ve kept mine bubbling under for you

You were my keeper

You were my anchor

You were my family

You were my savior

And therein lay the issue

And therein lay the problem

Songwriters: Alanis Morissette

Sympathetic Character lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

As it slips

Sticky floors with shuffling feet
Walkers adorned with tennis balls parade in my path
I am kind to the elderly

As I slip closer towards them

Today I was declared a member of the no-flow club
Not even 50 and I’m in menopause

My reproductive organs never had a chance
I learned a year ago

Endometriosis, tumors, irregular menstrual flows
All the signs were there since it all began

Never practiced safe sex, even before AIDS
And still no children

Could never afford a GYN
And the ones in the clinic, treated you like a side of beef

My experiences at being a woman are minimal
I have… had the working or semi-working parts
I understood the biology
But, I could never produce the prodigy.

Now I feel old age slipping upon me

I will die and no one will know I even took one breath

As it slips closer to me
I try not to fall into worthlessness

One ovary, 1/2 a fallopian tube
And one unused uterus,
Set out on the curb

So, what does that make me
Less of a woman? The old maid downstairs?

As it slips closer towards me
Like those shuffling feet in the walkers
My mind flushes with possibilities

That don’t belong to me.

DIH 4/22/2015

Could it be cancer?

Could it be cancer?

If I could write a verse about what comes next

I wouldn’t trust the words that would follow

I wouldn’t trust the emotions, the letters, the thoughts

I wouldn’t trust the fonts, the grammar, the faults of form and meaning

I honestly don’t know

WHAT COMES NEXT

I just know

It’s coming.

(to understand this poem, please read my blog “It’s Just One Aspect”)

Trying to figure it out.

Trying to figure it out

Something to find to make things worth the work

Something to have, to believe to extend my faith

Nothing in particular, nothing concrete

Just something…

Looking for reasons to exist exhausts my mind

Am I lying to myself?

Am I just a coward trying to dodge the eventual bullet

Or am I just afraid of living, loving and loneliness.

And so it continues, as I go into another day

Another week, another year.

Distractions from the emptiness I live and I feel

More pain, more distance, more fear

But I’m here.

At least for another year.

This Moment…

I want to kill myself today. Somebody hold my hand. What makes today so much different than yesterday?

I feel as if all thoughts and emotions converged simultaneously and I can’t handle it.

My heart aches, my mind spins, my body shakes and its just too much to bare anymore.

At this precise moment, I want to die.

I want release.

I want a break, just for once, I want a break.

I realized that I am here to suffer. That’s my purpose in this world. Someone has got to be oppressed, someone has got to suffer and I am one of them.

A certain calmness came over me when I accepted this, but now. It’s just sadness and remorse.

So I’ll be here, performing my place in this world.

Until I can’t take it anymore and check out early, or my time comes.

NOT

 

Not knowing

Not seeing

Not feeling the feeling

Just keeping the silence

And cutting the quiet

 

With knives, with words

With movement, with sound

Not caring, not loving

Not here, not now

 

It’s endless solitude

Distant

Blank steps on a walkway

Bland stares from behind

Finding purpose and meaning

Is something unkind

To someone like me, who’s not of right mind.