Is it weakness

Second treatment for  bronchitis, I’ve been going through. Pills that you have to eat with and I don’t like eating 3 times a day. I try light meals, but need protein etc. to keep my stomach from hurting.

To think, all this weakness and phlegm and headaches and body ache. Are because I traveled to a high volume public area. I’ve been into the city and didn’t get this sick. Penn Station in NJ is a toxic farm. I saw roaches and it smelled and you didn’t really want to sit down. But I had a long wait. Somewhere in there and the train and the bus, I caught this shit.

I was exhausted and in massive pain, after I got home. Made me wonder about all the traveling I use to do without incident. And how now I feel so weak and old and I’m not even fifty yet.

I’ve got to crawl back into bed.


Basquiat is haunting me





I saw the movie Basquiat (movie link) this week. And I guess seeing it while reeling with bronchitis is not a good idea. I was doing my own trip. My thoughts turned from doing heroin, too living in bohemia. Thinking what the hell was I doing in college when all “THIS” was going on and why wasn’t I part of it. Because you chose college stupid and were too young. Only by seven years.

Basquiat (artist’s site) was an artist during the eighties. And a line from the movie is haunting my mind. I see surfing in the skies and I wonder, ‘what year is this?’ when I still see racism.

I think the bohemian lifestyle appealed to me the most. I would love to walk down the streets in my pajama’s. To seriously not give a shit and to do as I felt, without hurting anyone, but just because I was moved by the moment.

I want to write or polish my short story. I finished one and my grammar sucks. It’s been so long since the fourth grade. But that shouldn’t stop me. There’s a book in me. I feel these stories, my mind is churning with characters and scenes and dialogue and I do nothing.

Am I lazy? Right now I’m just sick. So I’ll concentrate on that and get over this right now. I keep looking for distractions from being caught up in my illnesses. When one stares me right in my face, one I love. If not now, when? Maybe never.

No one I’ve shown my short story too doesn’t like it and they’re not just being nice. I have asked them for only negatives. I’ve gotten some and went back and made changes. I even managed to write a short paragraph to add to the story. I need to fill in some spaces with more descriptive writing, but I can do that.

Part of me wants to jump onto the next story, but I need this one to feel complete.

And a course on grammar.

Still working on bronchitis, head not too clear. Still seeing surfers in the skyline and smiling.

As it slips

Sticky floors with shuffling feet
Walkers adorned with tennis balls parade in my path
I am kind to the elderly

As I slip closer towards them

Today I was declared a member of the no-flow club
Not even 50 and I’m in menopause

My reproductive organs never had a chance
I learned a year ago

Endometriosis, tumors, irregular menstrual flows
All the signs were there since it all began

Never practiced safe sex, even before AIDS
And still no children

Could never afford a GYN
And the ones in the clinic, treated you like a side of beef

My experiences at being a woman are minimal
I have… had the working or semi-working parts
I understood the biology
But, I could never produce the prodigy.

Now I feel old age slipping upon me

I will die and no one will know I even took one breath

As it slips closer to me
I try not to fall into worthlessness

One ovary, 1/2 a fallopian tube
And one unused uterus,
Set out on the curb

So, what does that make me
Less of a woman? The old maid downstairs?

As it slips closer towards me
Like those shuffling feet in the walkers
My mind flushes with possibilities

That don’t belong to me.

DIH 4/22/2015


In no particular order films that reflect what it means/meant to be in HIGH SCHOOL. I’m not gonna add any links, just trust me Dahlia and WATCH THESE FILMS!

20 dives into teenage hell.


1. Heathers

2. Better Off Dead

3. Napoleon Dynamite

4. Mean Girls

5. Jaw Breaker

6. The Breakfast Club

7. Pretty in Pink

8. Juno

9. Ferris Beuller’s Day Off

10. Some Kind of Wonderful

11. Weird Science

12. To Sir With Love

13. Say Anything

14. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

15. Election

16. Rock and Roll High School

17. Accepted

18. The Perks of Being a Wallflower

19. Times Square

20. Clueless

and finally – CARRIE

Me and Algernon – Cross posting from my blog

Me and Algernon

You find yourself back home. From a low stress environment. You try to hold onto the lessons you were taught by the groups and therapists while you were inpatient. And it slowly becomes gobbely gook. A hodge podge of words you find hard to attach to ‘reality’. The outside world.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to cope with the every day. Where people take pleasure in causing you stress and pain. Where words hurt you more than sticks and stones. And there are REAL MONSTERS walking the streets in their masks with evil thoughts.

There are times I wish they still institutionalized us, put us away on some plot of land and protected us from them and them from us. But there were still monsters behind those doors. Are we safe nowhere?

I didn’t ask for Mental Illness, I just live with it, not in it, with it.

I am trying, I really am and I just hope I don’t break again. I’m realizing “THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING”. It’s unending. Down the road, around the corner. There will always be some type of stressor, waiting and pouncing.

It doesn’t matter how good a person you are or how many godly deeds you do a day. They still wait, they still strike. But its all in how you ‘react’. How you process and overcome.

I’m working on that, letting things lay where they will if I can not influence them. Because I have no control over the world. Who really wants to rule the world, such a mess.

So I pray, and hope and fight when need be, but not in vain. I stand up for myself and let my voice be heard. I spread the word.

Stop STIGMA. I think that’s why we get triage mental health units. Pump you full of drugs, set you up with clinics and kick you out. No groups, no peace, as stressful as the real world. Just full of more pills. Shit, I could have done this at home.

They can’t cure us, only help the symptoms. I kinda feel like we are dismissed. We don’t get telethons, or concerts.

Only news coverage when someone stops taking their meds or has no access to proper mental health care. And their illness takes over. That’s when we make the news. And then we fade away from the public eye.

I remember reading “FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON”. I loved that book. One of my favorites. IF you haven’t lived with mental illness all you life, there are moments in your life that were clear, and productive and positive. Charlie had these, and then they were taken away. Lucky for him, when he went back to where he was before, he didn’t realize he was once, “NORMAL”.

To me, there is no NORMAL. I take meds, but there are many out there who are worse off then I am and they are considered NORMAL.

It’s hard to look back at what I use to be, who I was before the bottom fell out. I don’t look back anymore, too much pain and self hatred.

I can’t live like that. I have to be who I am now, live with what I have now, and hope that NOW is enough.

Can’t future think, I get overwhelmed and it all turns to failure. But I can hope, that one day. I will accomplish something.

Maybe I’ll finish the maze before the mouse.